ECT: The quiet place
So, let’s talk about a touchy subject. ECT or Electro-Conductive Therapy is an alternative for people with severe Bipolar Disorder. Originally it was called Electro -Shock Therapy and it was a lot more invasive. In the old days people suffered from broken jaws, fractures and brain damage. It’s a lot more user friendly now days.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1996 at the age of 24. I knew nothing about how Bipolar worked or what I should do. My doctor was basically useless, he put me on a few drugs and sent me out into a very scary world. In 2002 I had my first big breakdown and killed myself. I died for two minutes thirty seconds and was brought back by paramedics. I spent a little bit of time in a mental hospital after that and then went back to the same destructive behavior. I was hospitalized twice in the early 2000’s and both times it did nothing for me, mainly because I went in with a negative attitude. It wasn’t until 2018 that I was on the path to better health that I decided to check myself back into the hospital. I had a good doctor; a good counselor and I was on decent medication, but I woke up everyday planning on killing myself. It was no way to live, always on the verge of overdosing and ending everything. It was unfair to my wife and my children and I needed help. So, I checked into a local hospital.
I spent five days in the hospital and was given the choice of ECT or to continue to stay hospitalized. I wanted out but I didn’t want to go back to living to die daily. I needed help, I was cutting myself daily and I had a bottle of heavy-duty pills ready to go if and when I decided that it was the moment. So, I decided to do ECT as an outpatient program. They discharged me and part of the program required that I go off Lithium and Lyrica. This was much harder than I was informed. Going off Lyrica is like quitting Heroin, its very hard and it makes you very sick. I was on a very high dosage and had been on it for a few years, so my dependency was very high.
I was originally scheduled to come in for my first session on the Friday after the Wednesday I was released but I had to wait until the weekend passed and start on a Monday. The staff wasn’t very knowledgeable of what going off Lyrica was like, so I had no sympathy from them as I felt like I was dying.
My first session basically went like this. I arrived at the hospital and was brough back to a large room where I was given a bed beside several other beds full of people waiting for their turn. My vitals were taken, and I was given an IV. I watched people ahead of me going through double doors into a room and then moments later they came out of another room and some were asleep, most just looked drowsy. They were put back into the line and slowly moved to a row of chairs on the other side of the room. Their vitals were taken and then after about thirty minutes they were discharged.
My turn came to go into the room. I was asked a few questions from the doctors and then given a mouth guard to bite on. A full mask was put on me for oxygen and then the anesthesiologist gave me the medicine to make me go off to sleep. The doctors did the procedure which is basically shocking you with two devices attached to your head. I awoke in a separate recovery room; I was a little sore in my neck. Coming off the medicine was difficult, I felt very high and out of sorts. It took me about ten minutes to get my bearings and they wheeled me out to the floor. I went through the process and was discharged. They wheeled me out to my car and my wife drove me home.
I was very quiet after the procedure. I had little to no noise in my head. A month before I started ECT my doctor had put me on Geodon to stop the voices in my head and things had been annoyingly quiet but now it was silent. I went home and slept for three hours, afterwards I was unsteady on my feet and sore in my neck.
I went through seven ECT sessions and concluded that if I did anymore, I would lose what was left of me and become a zombie. Of course, that’s not a medical diagnosis of what happens but its my personal take on how I felt after seven sessions. I felt like the passion and life had been drained from me and my drive to exist was very low, not saying I was suicidal just very mellow and without drive. I functioned and that was it. Being a professional musician, I had taken a break from performing to care for myself. After ECT I had no drive to play my instrument. I basically sat and stared at the television and ate.
Everyday things like eating had taken on a new face, food tasted differently. I had eaten oatmeal everyday for breakfast for years and after ECT I couldn’t stand the taste of it. A year later I’ve gone back to eating it and its fine. I lost a lot of memories with the procedure. Years were blank and I couldn’t remember important things I had done in the past. This was very depressing for my wife to watch.
The doctors say it takes a year to get back to yourself after ECT. I can attest to this as it has taken over a year to feel somewhat normal again. I’ve lost my sex drive and my passion for playing music and at times I feel like a functioning android. I wake up, eat, do my daily chores and then sit quietly. I have no desire to hurt myself nor do I think about it.
Ultimately, I think if you are having severe desires to end your life, ECT is a good choice. It will take those desires away and make you stable. I have no manic episodes and I occasionally get depressed but not to the extent of wanting to hurt myself.
So, do I recommend it? Like I said, if you are at that point that you know you can’t live any longer and you want to end it, then yes. Its not something to walk into blindly, know that you will be a changed person and your life will not be the same anytime soon. Its been a year and a half for me and I’m still quiet and stable, but at least I don’t want to end my life anymore.
If you decide to undergo ECT I wish you the best of luck and success. If you or someone you love is struggling with Bipolar Disorder, I have a book on Amazon.com entitled Life with Bipolar Disorder. It can help you understand things better and give you some coping skills
