The Secret to Being Bipolar
The Secret to Being Bipolar
by
James Heaton
I used to spend my days wanting to be normal, fantasizing about being like my friends who handled their moods like professionals. I used to think that I was so messed up, and that every reaction to my daily life was bizarre and inappropriate. I’ve concluded that I am who I am, and nothing could change that. It’s a moment of acceptance that I should be proud of, because the day you can accept who you are is quite the accomplishment.
I’ve been diagnosed Bipolar for twenty-four years. I know that I have exhibited signs of Bipolar Disorder since I was at least five years old. In the early years I just assumed everyone had dramatic ups and downs like I did, but they were better at hiding it than I was. I could go from bouncing off the walls happy to crying in a split second, never knowing that it was abnormal. When you’re that messed up your bearings are off as well, simply put you don’t know what normal is when you’re not normal.
It wasn’t until I was twenty-four years old that I decided enough was enough and went to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed as Bipolar and prescribed pills. Twenty-four years later I’ve been in a few mental hospitals, taken every psych drug there is and had ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). I’ve had hundreds of hours of counselling and seen dozens of psychiatrists. They all have the same goal, to get you stable. I’ve had numerous suicide attempts, one of which worked. I was dead for two minutes and thirty seconds, revived by a paramedic. I’ve destroyed dozens of relationships and one marriage.
The hardest part has been watching my daughter go from a shy little flower to a grown woman with Bipolar Disorder herself. I’ve watched her try to kill herself several times, and I’ve talked her down from irrational thoughts many a late night. Knowing I passed that onto her genetically has been the bane of my existence.
But through all the destroyed relationships and overdoses, I’ve maintained that I just want to be normal. I want to react to bad news without losing my grip on reality. I want to be happy without going into hyper mode and feeling like I’ve snorted a bag of coke. Who wants to stay hyper for a week and then crash hard, so hard that you can’t get out of bed for days? Normal has always been so alluring, so beautiful to think about. Its like a magical fantasy land where life is perfect, and the sun always shines, and rainbow are around every corner. But its just that, a magical fantasy.
And there’s a fine line that you cross with medication when you get stable, a fine line where you go from stable to zombie. You are empty inside with no inspiration for life and no energy all for the sake of being medically stable. And so, you juggle the meds with your doctor, shave off a little here, and take a little less of this. Its chemistry and the better the doctor, the better your chances at achieving a life that is almost normal. That is until the meds stop working and you feel yourself sliding back into familiar territory. Welcome back to Crazyland! And this routine goes on and on. I’ve been doing it so long, and I’ve found that I’ve been around the track many times over the years.
But the secret they forget to tell you is you’ll always be this way. The secret to being Bipolar is accepting that you will never be normal, and that life is going to be difficult for you. It gets easier with good meds, a good doctor, and a good therapist. It also helps to stay away from drugs and alcohol and negative people. If you’ve walked the road that I have, that many of us have you know its okay to fall on your knees and feel sorry for yourself for a little while but get up and keep trying every day. Bipolar life is life, just a slightly more bizarre version of it.
For more information about Bipolar Disorder look for Life with Bipolar Disorder by James Heaton available on Amazon.com
